Computers
Review
of SoftMate's Girlfriend Program
This
month we have decided to review the different versions of the
Girlfriend application from SoftMate. This series has been a non-stop
parade of conflicting versions and illegal hacks. We hope to dispel at
least some of the confusion here.
Acquaintance
1.31 (Mother of all girlfriends) - This was SoftMate's first
application. It was a bare-bones program which was very fast but
limited. It provided a friendly, if somewhat aloof, interface which
made the user feel comfortable in most cases. It was easy to use, never
crashed and generally could be trusted in all situations. The only real
drawback was that it had no sex module. This became a real problem with
long term and heavy use.
Girlfriend
.90b (Beta) - The problems started here as this was not
really the Girlfriend series. It was a dismal attempt to port the much
acclaimed Acquaintance 1.31 to a multi-threaded environment which would
not work properly because the newly written sex module had not been
thoroughly tested. The entire beta for the Girlfriend series lasted all
of two months and the whole SoftMate series was unstable and suffered
from inadequate testing. The beta for Girlfriend had very basic
features. It was functional but virtually demanded an upgrade to a more
stable version because of the embedded Acquaintance code. The beta was
scrapped and an entirely new Girlfriend was created so that it would
perform to spec.
Girlfriend
1.0a (Stable) - The first in the current SoftMate family.
Some serious design flaws were evident from the beginning because of
the addition of Artificial Intelligence. The algorithms used were too
vague giving the program some unpredictable characteristics. The sex
module worked extremely well, though, and Girlfriend always performed
this task reliably. This one feature alone has made this the best
selling and least upgraded version. There are occasional crashes
especially if all old Acquaintance files are not properly removed or at
least marked "hidden".
Girlfriend
1.61c (Upgrade) - Girlfriend matures quite a bit in this
release. The interface is slick and pretty. This is also the release
which began to incorporate a proprietary file system that eventually
locks you into the entire SoftMate series including forced upgrades
which become more and more expensive. At this point you will notice an
impact of your system resources as Girlfriend becomes more costly to
operate. The sex module is very stable but prone to just "chug along"
instead of the more dynamic access in version 1.0 Because of the
wholesale code changes, a complete un-install package is included which
will get rid of Girlfriend forever without adversely affecting cache,
resources or other objects.
Girlfriend
2.0 (Fix Release) - This release fixes annoying bugs, but is
definitely slower and much more demanding of both time and resources.
Version 2 also starts converting all structures into the newer
Fiancée/Wife format to ensure a smooth transition. You are
hopelessly mired in the product at this point and getting out could be
expensive. A Gold or Silver upgrade is required within a defined time
period. The sex module is a little erratic and temperamental. One note:
If you try to install Girlfriend 2.0 with any previous versions still
installed, they will conflict and trash the entire operating system.
The new system requirements are very stringent because this version is
"object oriented" and all hardware must have gold or platinum contacts.
Fiancée
1.0 (Standard Edition) - Fiancée 1.0 represents a
breathing period in the life of this product. It is a stabilization
revision with few changes other than that you are now locked in and all
of your system assets are tied up in this application. It is a time
based version and must be upgraded by a certain date. Failure to do
this can cause you severe hardship and force you to start all over by
re-installing a brand new Acquaintance. The performance of the sex
module is about the same but sometimes refuses to run unless you first
clean out the Task List.
Wife
2.0 (Gold Edition) - There is no Wife 1.0 because Girlfriend
and Fiancée have become so advanced that Wife has jumped
ahead by one full revision. There is also only one version of Wife but
the add-ons are copious and varied. There is a "To Do List" which never
lets you forget. There is also a "kitchen pass" feature which allows
you to leave while Wife is running as long as you are back by the time
you've entered into the job queue. The biggest headache with Wife is
that you cannot change any of the config files. Wife is responsible for
that and changes them without letting you know. The second area of
recurring problems is in the sex module. It will sometimes quit working
for days or weeks if you don’t handle the rest of the program
with great care. In some cases, it ceases to work almost permanently
and you are forced into an expensive add-on: Mistress 1.0 Because
Mistress is an add-on, it requires Wife to run. This is very dangerous
because both Wife and Mistress use the same resources so Mistress files
must be "hidden". If Wife discovers and conflicts with Mistress, Wife
deletes all Microsoft Money and Quicken files before un-installing
itself. All daemons spawned by Wife will disappear while still chewing
up system resources. The upgrade to turn Mistress into Girlfriend will
then refuse to work giving you a "lack of resources" error message. You
are basically screwed. At this point not even Acquaintance will
re-install because the hidden files from Mistress will be all over your
hard drive and all programs will know about them. You might as well
Fdisk and Format your hard drive. Hopefully you've learned your lesson
and you will either stick to Girlfriend or permanently write-protect
your hard drive before you end up on the soup-line.
The
following constitutes all currently known hacks and unauthorized
versions of SoftMate products.
Girlfriend
1.0s (Shareware) - Released mainly for testing the multi-user
interface. Feel free to pass this version around, but don’t
buy it as it is not intended for long term use and is generally more
suitable for entertainment purposes. This version tends to run poorly
during the week but screams on the weekends.
GirlfriendG
(Known as "Groupie") - It is not known for sure if this is a
hack or just a corrupt version but it is loosely based on Girlfriend
1.0a The main difference is that this version allows any sports or
music application to embed itself into the exposed objects of
Girlfriend. Use of this version has the potential for a lawsuit.
GirlfriendDNA
- (a.k.a. "FertileFriend") - A particularly nasty hack of
1.61c which runs only on machines with poor security. This version is
capable of spawning little daemons at will which require a complete
upgrade to Wife (bypassing all versions of Fiancée) to avoid
legal action. The only other alternative is to completely rebuild the
operating system with a new computer name and physically house it in a
new and undisclosed location.
GirlfriendH ("Hooker" version) - This version is for people with old or problem
machines and people who know nothing at all about Girlfriend. Price
varies depending on the features wanted and you pay a "per use" fee by
dialling a 900 number and entering an access code before each session.
It will generally run on anything out there. Sometimes you will pay for
this hack only to find that it disappears almost as soon as you start
the program leaving your business unfinished. It takes prompt action to
catch it before it is completely deleted. If that happens you cannot
call for help because you had an illegal copy and could be prosecuted.
Viruses run rampant in this version.
GirlfriendUA
(a.k.a “JailBait”) The source-code for
this version is owned by another distributor and has not yet been
released for Beta testing. If you are detected using this software
criminal prosecution is almost certain. All I know about this release
is what I have read in the distributor’s pre-release
literature.
Murphy's Laws:
More
mirth and funnies from the man who brought you sliced bread with butter
and jelly on the carpet.
Murphy's Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.
Murphy's Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.
Murphy's Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until
he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to
touch to be sure.
Murphy's Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Law #9:
All's well that ends . . . period.
Murphy's Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Murphy's Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20
years make.
Some Related Laws
LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
KOVAC'S CONNUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.
CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,
the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.
BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
Tech Support Request
Last year I
upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program
began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors
all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and
Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem
to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you
help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very
common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with
the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to
run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. You can not go back to
Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings
Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
the situation.
Having Wife 1.0
installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best
course of action will be to push apologise button then reset button as
soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the
blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high
maintenance.
Dr.
Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
Life Before Computers:
Memory was something u lost wiv age.
An Application was 4 employment.
A Programme was a show on TV.
A Cursor was someone who swore a lot.
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Web was a spiders home.
A Virus was the flu.
A Hard Drive was a long trip down the motorway.
A Mouse Pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . . . . . . well you just hoped & prayed no b%$*£@d found out!
Five
reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize
that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a
better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have
to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I
am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not
work on this program. Can you help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very common problem men complain about
but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
"UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible
to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once
installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is
not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or
Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in
your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults
(GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that
might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologise button
then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as
long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program
but is very high maintenance.
Dr. Seuss
Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
READ THIS OUT LOUD-It's Great!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME!!
A woman called
the Canon helpdesk because she had a problem with her printer. The
techie asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."
Tech support,
"how much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well,
my wife likes to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10
hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Customer, "I
would like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a
large variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
Customer, "Can
you copy the internet onto this disc for me?"
Customer, "So
that will get me connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support,
"Yes." Customer, "And that’s the latest version of the
internet?"
Tech Support,
"OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
P to bring up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech
Support, " On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech
Support, "P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do
that!"
GM response to Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a
press release stating: If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason
whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they
repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your
car would die on
the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the
side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off
the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally,
executing a manoeuvre
such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and
refuse
to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would
make a car that was
powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and
twice as
easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water
temperature, and
alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single
"This
Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system
would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for
no reason
whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you
in
until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.(CTRL/ALT/DELETE)
9. Every time a new
car was introduced
car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as
the old car.
10. You'd have to
press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Humor1
Humor2 | Humor3 |
Humor4 |
Humor5 | Corny !!!
Silly Sites: www.theonion.com - www.menvwomen.net
Thanks to
everyone who sent in a "funny"
Even our misfortunes are a part of our belongings -- Antoine de Saint Exupéry
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