S u b m i t a T i p; a n d B e c o m e F a m o u s . . . W e l l a l m o s t !!
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Not so serious:
Politically correct Gender References - The Taxi Driver and the Nun -More Humor pages
Humor1 | Humor2 | Humor3 | Humor5 | Humor6 | Computerhumor | Men v Women | Corny |Officialdom1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Animal Welfare people to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
<<0>>
After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't
travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat
so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let
me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I
cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?"
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might
be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets
in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads
the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear
sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the
radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The
Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the
cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the effing Pope as a chauffeur!!"<<0>>
The Taxi Driver and the Nun
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: a) you have to be single and b) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's okay, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." -- Raymond Watkin
<<<0>>>
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and one of America's potential future Presidents." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute."
The boy replies, "No problem your holiness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
Dave! You posted some dreadful French Jokes so you must publish this one -- Denis
Some compassion please:-IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED :
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461
DEAR SIR / MADAM,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY
SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT
SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I
CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A
VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A
HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO
SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE
REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A
TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE
EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED
HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.
IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER,
THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE
GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL
REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS
UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO
SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING
EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.
MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN
1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT
OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE
SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF
MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN
AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED
IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.
MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN
FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING
THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING
HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING
TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY
COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 -
$200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM
MANAGEMENT.
WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT
BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY
FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS
ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE
SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO
IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON
OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE
VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER
AFTER HER.
I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO
TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID
IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT
YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.
I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE
ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE
WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I
ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL.
IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR
INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.
I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND
OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO
THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.
SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461Another one for Denis and the "froggies" - Ed
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man wakes up one morning feeling too ill to go to work. So he phones his boss to call in sick. "I feel awful. I have a terrible headache, aching all over and I've been sick all night. So it's unlikely that I'll be in to work today."
"You won't believe this," says the boss, "but I felt exactly the same last week. I went home, made love to my wife and in two hours I felt much better."
After three hours the man phones back sounding much perkier than before.
"You were right, it really did work. I feel much better now," he explains. "Oh, and by the way, nice house!"
~ ~ ~ ~
A high school teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." -- Margaretta
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
LIVERPOOL PEOPLE!! After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple (from Liverpool, England) decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger (firecracker) and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle, Norfolk and anywhere in Wales.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
40 Scousers are at St Peters gates trying to get into heaven, St Peter tells them that "only 12 can enter, you can decide between yourselves who that will be" A short time later St Peter goes to God and says "they're gone" God replys "who the scousers" to which St Peter replys "no the gates"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
MORE LIVERPOOL PEOPLE!! The Ferrari formula 1 Team have fired their entire pit crew. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the government's "Get Back to Work" scheme and employ people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool/ Wirral area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold, move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However........Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only were the Liverpool pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Bud, 2 grams of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Keep smiling! Raymond Pennyland
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
POLITICS!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dadsays, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit. --~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Three plastic surgeons were having a drink toether. During the conversation
they agrred to compare their best operations.The first one said "I had a concert pianist who caught both hands in a car
door and lost seven fingers. I spent ten hours sewing them back on and
within a year he played a piano concert for the Queen"The second one said "I had an athlete who had a terrible car accident and
lost both legs. In atwelve hour operation I managed to sew them back and a
year later he won five gold medals in the olympics"The third one said "Well I spent some time working in USA and I had a case
there involving a cowboy rodeo rider. He was riding home after a rodeo
meeting and was crossing a railway track when he was hit by a freight
express train. It was an awful mess. They brought me the bits to see what I
could do. The only useable bits were a cowboy hat and the horses arse, but I
did what I could and now he's the President of the United States."~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man goes into a medical doctor's office carrying his dog and asks the doctor to accept his dog as a patient. The doctor says he's a medicaldoctor and doesn't accept dogs as patients. The man says this is my bestfriend, he's loyal, true, he even saved my life, PLEASE! The doctor says no, I don't treat dogs.
The man asks, your brother married Mary Jane Smith? The doctor affirms he did. Is she your patient? The doctor affirms yes. Well, she's my ex-wife and the other night at Rotary I heard you both refer to her as an expensive bXXXX. So we all know the truth, you do treat dogs.bnospampleasemccaslin@bellnspsouth.net
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A hospital administrator pulls up in the parking lot and sees an entire cardiac surgery team masked and gloved in full surgical gowns with a plethora of instruments digging in the flower bed. He approaches and is warned off. He yells, "What are you doing?" The lead surgeon yells back, "we're doing a heart transplant!" "Why are you out here," yells back the administrator? The reply: "the patient is an attorney, we're looking for a stone which is the right size! bnospampleasemccaslin@bellnspsouth.net
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The word 'fast'. (This Is Not An Ethnic Joke) How on earth did English language become so successful?? :
In our town we have a new Chinese restaurant. I frequently call in a takeout order. The entire family are new to America, having arrived from mainland China, relatives of others who came before and who were granted citizenship. There is a young lady (I suspect about 17) whose English is quite difficult. Since teaching is second nature to me, I mean that's a large part of what I do, I always try to engage her in conversation. Over time there has developed a game. I give her a new English word or explain a word and then we use it in sentences. One recent visit I found my takeout hadn't even been cooked, so we had some few minutes. I introduced her to the word: fast explaining that fast friends were good and demonstrated by hugging myself, that fast colors were good because they wouldn't fade, fast cars go fast "ZOOM!" this is fun; to hold fast is to hold strongly and securely this is said for ideas and for physical things like holding a rope or a person's hand and to make fast is to secure a friendship for a very long time or to temporarily securely join two objects; to fast is to voluntarily refrain from eating and fast women are very very bad, "too many boyfriends!"We played with those for a while and then she surprised me! She said, "Fast-in, fast-out, tell me please?" I said, "fast-in fast-out?" She said, Yes making fast-in button, making to take off shirt, fast-out button?" She demonstrated by fast-out and unbuttoned a button on her jacket, then fast-in she re-buttoned it. I replied it is to fasten to button your shirt, but to unfasten to unbutton your shirt. She shook her head and smiles, "But it goes in and it goes out (giggle) am thinking Chinese is easy language and English is very very hard." I agreed telling her that English steals words from other languages and over the centuries that is why so many strange-acting words are part of English now. She shook her head up and down vigorously saying, "Chinese easy honest language we do not steal words. Chinese already has all the words you need." We agreed and she smiled as I thought only to myself: a man who is fast-in and fast-out is very very bad, "no girlfriends." bnospampleasemccaslin@bellnspsouth.net
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Subject: Lawyer joke with a twist A doctor and a lawyer teamed up by chance were playing golf. The doctor was a boor whose mouth wagged continuously with lawyer jokes. About the seventh hole the lawyer had had quite enough. So he cleared his throat assumed his most lawyerly manner and pronounced as if he were in court: " Doctor, I've had quite enough! Let's look at the facts. When your predecessors didn't even know the germ theory and were bleeding patients with leeches my predecessors were writing, The Declaration of Independence, The Constitution of The United States and The Bill of Rights. So put a muzzle on it or I'll take out your one brain cell with my five iron!" bnospampleasemccaslin@bellnspsouth.net
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks,
and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation
in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy,
through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the
prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree,
there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail
of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls
across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! ees
not a Bacon Tree"
Scroll Down......
Ees a HAM BUSH!!
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Subject: Diplomatic Answers. Human Resources Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. - INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. - INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. - INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible - INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? - INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... - INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project . - INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. - INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. - INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. - INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? - INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? - INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. - INSTEAD OF: f**k it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. - INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. - INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? - INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: I see. - INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
19) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. - INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You, Human Resources
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
SOME NEW WORDS -
Just take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2003 winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Secondly, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan national anthem; and thirdly I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio." -- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funnyFor non-British and younger readers Lord George Brown was a cabinet minister in Harold Wilson's government.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
CUSTOMER SERVICE COMPLAINT
I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've ever had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
A woman called the Canon helpdesk because she had a problem with her printer. The techie asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech support, "how much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well, my wife likes to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10 hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Customer, "I would like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a large variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Customer, "Can you copy the internet onto this disc for me?"
Customer, "So that will get me connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support, "Yes." Customer, "And that’s the latest version of the internet?"
Tech Support, "OK Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech Support, " On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech Support, "P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do that!"
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE .
3. She is not EASY - she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
4. She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED. 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY .
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED -- Raymond Watkin
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Man's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Or if you really wanted world war three you could say "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy Ferrari and a
boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Pilots versus mechanics
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the
pilotsreview the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident :
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
I love this one....
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.~~~|H-n-T|~~~
THE PARTY
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Havin' a Christmas party Friday night... thought ya might like to come about 5:00 P.M."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops, turns around and says: "Gotta warn ya......thars gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
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