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More Accountants:
Comprehending Accountants - Take one Two
accounting
students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get
such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up
on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded
approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
-
Comprehending
Accountants - Take Two An
architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said,
"I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife
and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the
other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
-
Comprehending Accountants - Take Three To
the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be. -
Comprehending
Accountants - Take Four "An
Accountant and His Frog" An accountant was crossing a road one day when
a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The
accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look
I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog, now that's cool." -
Comprehending
Accountants - Take Five A businessman
was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He
devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.
He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first
interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second
applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the
answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a
lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm'r of Stamp Duties
(Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an
accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The
accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then
came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
More
Accountant stuff!
What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a
problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax
accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an
accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to
succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth
control? His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant? One who
looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor? Someone who arrives after
the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because
he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the
world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely
insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up
a roadmap the wrong way.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young
accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people
don't? Depreciation.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes
to see his doctor. Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem
- I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it"
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
The English
Rugby supporter
An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do
Their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son
picks up an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've
decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for
Christmas".
His sister is
outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go
talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the
white rugby
shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"Yes son?" "I've decided
I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for
Christmas". The
mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the
head and
says,"Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with
the rugby shirt in hand
and
finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England
supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The
father is
outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says "No
son
of
mine
is ever going to be seen in THAT!". About half an hour
later they're
all
back
in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his
son and
says
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England
supporter for an hour and I already hate you Aussie
bastards."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
The
Bricklayers Tale:
Amazing but true: This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was
printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers'
Compensation board. ( This is a true story. )
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which,
when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh
175lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit
the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I
refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the
side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations
of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when
fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."
This is a version of a BBC radio
broadcast by the incomparable Gerard Hoffnung.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
The
Hunchback's Successor
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. After observing
several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a
day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found
a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below. When the bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around
the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one
of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him
in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned,
clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first
breathlessly asked. "Who is this poor man?"
"I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good
friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
PS: No Jews.
In 1964, a US Navy cruiser put into port in Mobile, Alabama for a
week's
R&R. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little
surprised to
receive the following letter from the wife of a very wealthy plantation
owner
and industrialist:
Dear Captain:
Thursday will be my daughter Susan's debutante ball. I would like you
to send
four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at
8 p.m.
sharp, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and
dancing with
lovely young ladies.
PS: No Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady followed her butler to
answer a rap
at the door which was opened by the butler. She found in dress uniform,
four
handsome, exquisitely mannered and smiling African American naval
officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make
mistakes
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
More
Bigots
The following scene took place a few years ago on a BA flight between
Johannesburg and
London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black
man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter," the
hostess asked. "You obviously do not
see
it
then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not
agree to
sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative
seat."
Be calm please," the hostess
replied. "Almost all the places on this
flight
are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. Madam,
just
as
I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I
spoke
to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the
business
class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class."
Before the woman could say
anything, the hostess continued: It is not
usual
for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the
first
class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it
would be
scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so
disgusting."
She turned to the black guy, and
said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would
like
to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first
class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had
just
witnessed stood up and applauded. This is a true story.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Professor Sydney Morgenbesser
When the Oxford philosopher, J. L. Austin, said, in a lecture he gave
at Columbia
University in 1950, that many languages employ the double negative to
denote a positive (e.g. he is not unlike his sister) but that no
language employs a double positive to denote a negative Morganbesser
waved his arm dismissively and retorted
- “Yeah, Yeah”
Asked by a student if he agreed with Mao’s view that a
statement can be both true and false at the same time
Morgenbesser replied “Well I do and I don’t.
“
Of the Philosophy of Pragmatism on which he lectured he once said:
“It sounds good in theory but it will never work in
practice”
In the 1960s Morgenbesser joined the ranks of students protesting the
Vietnam War. After he was clubbed over the head he was asked what he
though of his treatment to which he said: “unfair, but not
unjust” in explanation he added “It was unfair
because they hit me over the head, but not unjust because they hit
everyone else over the head”
His literary output was not spectacular so when queried why he
hadn’t published more material he quipped “Moses
wrote one book, then what did he do?”
Towards the end of his life, while suffering from a long illness he was
heard to say: “Why is god making me suffer so much? - Just
because I don’t believe in him?”
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Church Bloopers
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication
to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David
Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South
and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson
will sing "Put me
in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the
Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in
his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to
come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They can
be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music
will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after
which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality
Course, 8 p.m.
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of
hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of
his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev.
Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request
that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's
"Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end
of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung
without musical
accomplishment.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of
hearing a good sermon when
J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the
morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing
services will be
discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by
George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great
success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at
the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at
the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang
a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns
from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: "The Rev. Horace Blodgett"
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD Dr.
Hargreaves is better.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10
and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan
in preparing for
the girth of their first child.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large
double door at the
side entrance.
-- Ray Watson
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Letter
to God
There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was
to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed to God in
very shaky
handwriting. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what
it's
all about."
So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year
old widow living
on a
very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had
£100.00 in
it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension check Next Sunday
is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn
to,
and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The Postal worker was touched, and went around showing
the letter to
all
the others. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
£96.50p which
they
put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later another
letter came from the
old
lady again addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.
It read, 'Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough
for what you did
for
me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner
for
my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift By the way, there was £3.50 missing. I think it must
have been those
thieving b*stards at the Post Office'.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Are
you a Smart
Yankee?
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South
are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam
administered by the Ole Miss * University Engineering Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford
Fairlane B '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at
2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to
be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on
24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span
is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch
floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Mississippi house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding
900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division
2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the
3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer
Donald
* Ole Miss = familiar name for The University of Mississippi. This
information is for the furriners.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
History the way it
should be....
The following excerpts are actual answers given on
history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read
carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course,
spelling!
*************
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and
mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they
made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before
he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the
bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
*************
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A
myth is a young female moth.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an
overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline.
~~~~~~~~~~
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than
they show on TV now.
*************
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and
French still have problems.
~~~~~~~~~~
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long
while.
*************
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100
foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
*************
The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared,
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for
sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
*************
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
~~~~~~~~~~
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was
very large.
*************
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and
roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
<<<<<<<>>>>>>>
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network
of rivers to spring up
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
LETTER
FROM A FARM KID,
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a
mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are
filled.
I was restless at first because
you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to
sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings
like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops,
potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but
tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live
on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you
none.
This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,
and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got
to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call
hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I
have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130
pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to
hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come
stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Lesser Known Laws
Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong
will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are
some:
After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of
Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll
into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the
Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a
mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it
breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes
the problem. --Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so
difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and
ignorance. --William's Law
Handy Guide to Modern
Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's
Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it
doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. People
should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will
be systematically moved to the place where they can do the
least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of
intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's
Law
It is a mistake to allow any
mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry. --Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
The Consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised
HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly
1,586 sheep".
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of
his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says: "Okay, why not?". "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow!
that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No
guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my
business.
"Now give me back my dog."
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Text
of a Letter from a Australian Army Recruit form Eromanga to Mum
and Dad. (For those
of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of
Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than
workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart
before
the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in
now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya
boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed,
no feed to stack - nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not
so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You
don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are
buggered
because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking
to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers
Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit
the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady
yourself against
the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with
the city boys and I gotta be real
careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and
Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after
the
muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke
from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to
the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Qs and
As from Australia
The questions below about Australia are
from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and the, (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses
by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown
and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia?
(USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who
can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
(France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that
is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in
Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in
Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male
population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in
Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R,
and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings
Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the
hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most
places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Some Useful
Chinese phrases
1) That's not right........ Sum Ting wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?....... Hu Ya Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man............ Dum fok
5) Small Horse........... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?..... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a facelift...... Chin Too Fat
9 Its very dark in here....... Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..... Wai ya Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.... No Pah King
12) Re-schedule our meeting...Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13 Staying out of sight.... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive..... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great................. Fa Kin Su Pah
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