Not so serious:  
Great Truths

    My Friends ...

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time  and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks goes to whoever sent me the e-mail about the rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because now I use a wet sponge to seal my envelopes. You probably saved my life.

I also scrub the top of every can I open, thanks to an e-mail from one of you.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola, because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number, for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any trainers, but that will change, once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214  angels watching over me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God answers prayers only if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any money in my savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). In fact, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I want to thank you so much for looking out for me.

Now I would like to return the favour. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon, with a wicked case of diarrhoea, will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's, ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's, cousin's beautician.

~~~|H-n-T|~~~

 YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.

 YEAR 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.

If in the future, when Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope and the Australians.

<<<>>>

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


 GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

<<<>>>

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

<<<>>>

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

~~~|H-n-T|~~~

An elderly lady in Florida did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation - they got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she
could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed
to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet
tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a "senior moment", make it a memorable one

~~~|H-n-T|~~~

Cancel your credit cards...THIS IS SO FUNNY


Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A
lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:


Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."


Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."


Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."


Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been.


Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"


Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"


Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"


Citibank: "Excuse me?"


Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"


Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."


Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."


Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."


Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"


Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"


Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)


Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"


Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)


After they get the fax:


Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help."


Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."


Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."


Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"


Citibank: "That might help."


Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."


Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"


Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

<<<>>>

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on the week before Xmas and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own air fares."

<<<>>>

An old farmer in Iowa had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
every time

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