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Men v Women | Corny |
Officialdom
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY
THE CENTURY
A Charlotte, North Carolina (NC) lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the
lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer
stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed
the cigars in the normal fashion.mmmThe lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
"held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire"
and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest
PS: I have some doubts about the veracity of this tale as it was emailed to me
by a lawyer friend! - Ed
~ ~ ~
Cross Examination A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial it went like this:
Q.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A.
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q.
Officer, who provided this description?
A.
The officer who responded to the scene.
A fellow officer provided the
description of this so-called offender.
Q.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A.
Yes sir, with my life.
Q.
With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room
in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation
for your daily duties?
A.
Yes sir, we do.
Q.
And do you have a locker in that room?
A.
Yes sir, I do.
Q.
And do you have a lock on your locker?
A.
Yes sir.
Q.
Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?
A.
You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers
have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in
laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
~ ~ ~
So sue me!
-
What's
the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking
parasite, the other is an insect.
-
What
do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough
cement.
-
What
are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
-
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi
-
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
-
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
-
What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
-
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
-
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
-
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your
Honor.
-
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
-
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey
have the most toxic waste sites? - New Jersey got first choice.!!!!!!!!
~ ~ ~
Reptiles
Two alligators who had recently graduated from Oxford
University
returned to
their home in Louisiana. They were relaxing on a mud
flat taking in
some sun
whiling away the day luxuriating in their summer
leisure.
Small alligator, "We've been together all our lives.
We grew up
together,
attended the same schools, dated the same alligator
girls, played
alligator
football, we eat the same food drink the same drink,
we even eat at the
same
places. We're always together. My friend, I can't
understand why you're
nearly three times my size."
Large alligator, "It must be your technique or your
manner of dining.
Tell
me" he said, "how do you dine?"
Small alligator, "Just like you I crawl up to the back
of the
Courthouse,
sneak between the bushes and the wall, peek out to
make sure no one can
see
me and then I rush out to hide under a BMW, Lexus,
Rolls or Porsche.
When a
lawyer comes up to his car I lunge at him bite him,
kill him and shake
the
excrement out of him. Large alligator, "Ah! I thought so. Your technique is
appalling! You
should know when you shake the excrement out of a lawyer all you have left is
a
mouth, an anal sphincter and a briefcase full of
paper." -- Bill-McCaslin"
~ ~ ~
The Unfortunate Story of The Presbyterian Minister and The Lawyer.
An elderly Presbyterian Minister with poor eyesight was driving an
empty
school bus at dusk. Having difficulty seeing the lines that late in the
evening he occasionally drifted into the lane of oncoming traffic.
Approaching him was an attorney in a custom painted candy apple red Lexus
with custom fitted seats made in Spain of well let Corinthian leather with the license plate: I-SUE-U. Sadly they collided and the entire side of
the Lexus from the head light to the tail light was ripped from the car.
To
the ditch they went and the Minister jumped appalled and shaking from the
bus exclaiming repeatedly his most profound expletive, "Oh! My!"
The attorney struggled to free himself from his stricken automobile fighting
with the seat and shoulder belts and loudly cursing the air bag. He jumped
out greatly shaken as the Minister arrived exclaiming, "Oh! My! What shall
we do?"
The attorney not to be misdirected by such a bland plaint shouted
loudly and with a will: "YOU IDIOT! YOU FREAKING IDIOT! Look what
you've
done to my car! That paint was custom mixed candy apple red with 24 kt.
Gold metal flake overcoat by Jean Marie Tresvant in Goetborg! Do you
realize there are 16 coats of paint and 16 coats of clear overcoat with 24 kt.
Gold? Do you know it took six months to paint and hand buff those coats? The
paint
job cost $16,000.00 -- look at my seat it is totally ruined! Do you
realize
Dr. Jurgen Heim van Til, Professor Emeritus of Biometrics Sciences at
the
Sorbonne made my body cast at a cost of $4,000.00? Do you realize that
one
of a kind seat was designed by Enrico Scarlatti of Milan for $6000.00
made
in Cordoba Spain by Auto Fabrik a subsidiary of Ubermenchen Uber All
Y'all
GMBH the premiere custom leather manufactory of Germany for $9.790.00?
You
have made a total mess of my automobile!
The Minister, having noticed the attorney's license plate condemned
with a
loud voice, "You lawyers are so materialistic!"
The attorney replied, "What?"
The Minister then said, "Look down at your arm."
As the attorney looked down at his arm he saw it had been ripped off at
the
shoulder by the accident. He exclaimed with a will, "EGAD! Where is my
$28,000.00 Limited Edition 18 kt. Gold Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso watch?"
~ ~ ~
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat
grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us
also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the
grass
is almost a foot high!"
~ ~ ~
A Rabbi, an Indian Gentleman and the Lawyer.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the
country when their car expired.
They set out to find help, and
came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that
he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the
animals.
The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and
let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a
knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn;
there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a
pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as
he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu
burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in
the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd
go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open
and the pig and the cow entered...
The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the
wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One
day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies,
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake... he should never have
got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
S p a g h e t t i...
An attorney was having an affair with his secretary.
Shortly afterwards, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife
to
know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do,
the
secretary took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day, the attorney's wife called him at
the
office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.
"The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it
to
you".
Later that evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, and
fell
to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rush! Rushed him to the ER.
The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had caused
her husband to have a cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the card and
read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with meatballs, two
without."
~ ~ ~
The hospital administrator drove into his private parking place. As he got out and approached the door he saw an entire surgical team in greens,
gloved and masked digging around in the flower bed with surgical instruments. he
approached them and inquired, "What are you doing?" An assisting Surgeon
related they were doing a heart transplant on a Lawyer and they were looking
for a stone the right size.
~ ~ ~
Lawyer Brains
A woman with a brain tumor was surprised when her doctor called her. and told her of anew. experimental
brain transplant procedure. When she met with her doctor, he told her that she would require the transplant of
one pound of brain. The doctor then asked. "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked. "That makes a difference?"
"Yes." replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference In price. For example, one-pound of brain from a
surgeon costs £12.000. while you can get one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for £15.000. and so on.
You will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your choice can make a
big difference."
"Can you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial
attorney."
"Sure. Let's see. That's £250.000." the doctor replied.
"You're kidding me I That's outrageous." the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a surgeon's brain
costs."
"Actually, it is quite reasonable." the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to
produce a pound of brain?
~ ~ ~
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